Naming Posts & Writing exersise

It will be a lot easier to find my old writings if they're given a title. So starting today, I am going to try and make an effort and give all of my posts titles.

I thought about killing the poppies earlier. Like over fertilizing them. But then I quickly erased that thought from my mind because when I looked out my window, the stained glass Serenity prayer with praying hands reminded me that I ought not be that way.

So I'm looking out my window right now...and this is what I see. An orange wheel barel, an old door that has a painted city on it, duck taped up to the columns to keep the dogs from getting into the Poppy Garden,

I see the old, rusty metal chain-link fence separating our yard from the neighbors; the neighbors have a big trampoline in their back yard and an old wooden shed with a rusty metal top.

I see a couple of other things that aren't nearly as important as those elements,
but then I just saw the neighbors dog run by carrying a toy and it made me realize all the elements are important.

I can see the front of a black mustang from 2 houses down, but only the front because the neighbors house obstructs the view of the rest.

lol.. I see a hoe.

more duct tape. a white basket laying in the neighbors yard.

Monkey grass and bushes,

A pink toddler car, and an kiddie ATV toy.

I look at the painting and feel utterly disgusted with it for some reason. Probably because it's not finished. Or over finished. one of the two. I can't figure it out and that's why it's out there, because I'm done with it for now, and the wood makes better use elsewhere.

And that, folks...is what I see out my bedroom window that lays behind my computer screen.

~Molly.

So the last couple of days, I have been in a good mood. Sun shining birds chirping kind of good mood. I'm up to 3 effexor a day, and they have really started to help my mood. I haven't been feeling worthless or guilty these past few days... which is wonderful. I don't like feeling that way... nobody does.

I do feel like I'm jealous, though. Jealous of poppies. Daniel spends almost all of his free time watering them, transplanting, tilling soil... fertilizing them. This weekend, there was a time that Daniel and I didn't say more than 5 sentences to each other that didn't involve poppies or gardening. I get so sick of the stupid flowers, I just want him to pay attention to ME! That may sound selfish, but I've been trying to make a sacrifice for our family.. to grow closer together, and it takes more than one person to make that happen. He'd rather play in his flower bed than hold his daughter for 10 minutes.

Don't get me wrong he's a great man and I love him very much. I just wish we could be the kind of friends we used to be... instead of this old stale couple that just sits around and piddles in their garden. I miss the excitement and romance we used to have together. Having a baby has changed a lot, but we still have needs.

And I just feel like my emotional needs aren't being acknowledged. And it hurts. It hurts to think that the person that you love doesn't find you that exciting anymore.

I asked Daniel the other day if he still loved me, and asked if he would ever leave me. He said of course he still loves me and he'd never leave me... and I believe him... but our relationship needs more than an "I love you and have a good day at work" exchange and a hug.

It would be nice if he would say "Lets spend some time together," and then follow through. That's all I want. Quality time with the man I love. Is that too much to ask?

~Molly.

oh my friggin' gosh, I am so sick of stupid Poppies!

I was watching the E true Hollywood story on Anna Nicole Smith earlier... everybody can pick on her if that's what they please... but I liked her. I still do. In a lot of ways, I feel like I relate to Anna Nicole.. and I think it's sucks that she died..

Today has been a little rough. I really didn't feel like getting out of bed today, but after I did, I ended up taking a nap, and woke up ready to do stuff. Kinda started my day over. So I set up the water hose out front and watered the plants. Made a list of stuff to do.

I can hear Alex crying in her crib... she's pretty crabby and is tired, but she tries so hard to hold onto that last moment of wakefulness.

My older sister texted me earlier, and I guess we're going out to lunch tomorrow. That's pretty sweet. I miss my big sis. Haven't seen her in a while..

I really don't have much else to say right now.

~Molly.

The first time I can remember thinking "I'd be better off dead," I was 10 years old. It was a hot August afternoon, and my mom and her new drug addicted husband, Jimmy, left my brother and I home by ourselves for some reason or another. My brother and I had gotten into a fight while they were gone, and I locked my brother out of the house. Our apartment was at ground level, and he was outside pushing a window up and I was pushing it down. He ended up pushing his hands through the glass and I called 911. I was so scared my brother was going to need stitches. I ran upstairs and got a neighbor, and while the ambulance was outside pulling broken glass out of my brothers hands, my mom and Jimmy pulled up.

My brother was okay, and after everything had calmed down and everyone had left, my mother freaked out. She was hysterical. She started yelling at my brother, hitting him while he was cowering on his bed. I shouted to stop, and she came and started hitting me in the head with her fists. She was yelling about the $500 ambulance bill she was going to have to pay.

Jimmy finally got her off of me, and she left. I don't know where she went, but I remember lying on the bed, I couldn't breathe, tears rolled down my cheeks, and I just wanted to die. I started praying for God to get me out of there. It was the first time I remember praying to save my life.

That Christmas, my mom sent us to our dad's for Christmas and we ended up staying to live permanently. I remember being happy for a while...

When I was about 15 I became depressed again, my stepmom died and her daughter was 1. I took on a new big roll at my home.. I cooked and cleaned a lot more and took care of my sister a lot.

Moved out and partied a lot after I was 18. Next big depression battle was after my mother died when I was 19. The last time she and I ever talked I told her she was a drunk and I couldn't stand talking to her when she was drunk. She hung up on me.

I moved to Griffin GA, and continued to be depressed until I was about 21. I got into a really bad relationship, but after I left him, I had never felt happier. I met Daniel shortly after, and have continued to remain stable until about 2 months ago... when Alexandria was 3 months old.

Now I'm going through this postpartum depression shit. I'm not suicidal or anything, but it's really starting to effect my day to day living. The anti-depressant seems to be taking hold, though. I woke up in a good mood today. First time in a couple of months!

My depression bouts, now that I have them written down, seem to follow a pattern where external factors are making me depressed. Major life changing events... you know? Loosing trust in a parent, death, death, birth of a child.... and I read somewhere, I think in The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck, he says depression is healthy because when we are depressed, we are loosing a part of our old selves to grow into our new selves. And we often don't want to let that part go because we are familiar with it, so it's like a grieving process. And that is what causes us to be depressed. So I don't feel too down after seeing that, and knowing that life will always have it's ups and downs.

And more than anything, My faith in Jesus Christ is what will get me through.

~Molly.

Today is going well. Alex woke up in the middle of the night at about 3 (which is odd), but she slept until about 11. Got plenty of rest. Woke up in a good mood.

But somehow or another, we lost the loaf of bread we just bought...

Daniel and I really needed a weekend like this to reconnect. We haven't been seeing a lot of each other lately, because we're on two totally different schedules now that he's back on the 2nd shift again.

I just feel really content. I can tell the anti-depressant is starting to help. It's been a long time since I woke up ready to look the day in the face.

I want to write a book. :)

~Molly.

Today was an alright day. I wasn't sad really, just stressed. We watched my friend Sabrina's kids... and man those kids are craaazzyyy. Camden is 5, and his sister Kiera is 3.

We took them to McDonalds, but when they decided they weren't going to listen, we decided to leave. Camden drops to his knees, screaming in the middle of McDonalds "NOOOOOOOO!!" It was totally melodramatic.

Then at our house, Camden had to go to the bathroom. He cut himself on a razor, and tried to say that a mosquito bit him. Lordy Lordy...

So we took them to church, and that went better than expected...


That's all I really have to say today.

Today is a good day.

It's the weekend, and Daniel doesn't have to work. It's good to spend some time with him. Alex is glad to see her daddy, too.

~Molly.

So today is a little better than yesterday... I don't feel totally hopeless. Daniel's mom, Linda, bought me a new bible today... Women of Faith study bible -- NIV. I've been needing a new bible, too. I have an American standard and a king James, but I love the way that the NIV reads. Much easier to understand.

Today I started taking 2 effexor a day. For the first 6 days I had to take 1/2 pill. Then the next 7 days, I take 1 in AM and 1 in PM. After that, I take 3 a day. I hope it works. I haven't had any side affects yet other than it's difficult to eat. But that might be from a combination of things....

Daniel isn't sleeping well this week. Every night he gets less and less sleep. He just switched back over to the 2nd shift on his job, and he's thinking that's what has thrown him off. I think it may have something to do with him having depression, also.

It makes me feel bad when I see him in emotional turmoil. I wish there was something I could do for him, but there really isn't anything I can do. It's some kind of codependent thing... where I want so badly to help others, but can't help myself. It's like I want to save the world... and at the same time, just want somebody to come save me.

~Molly.

I'm so tired, and I don't know where to write

I must have 5 or 6 blogs lost on the internet. When I first started "blogging," I hated that term. But I suppose it's grown into mainstream culture so I'll use it simply because.

I stopped writing on a regular basis about 2 years ago... maybe a little longer. Since my last post, I've done a lot of drugs, NA meetings, broke up with boyfriend and found my best friend, moved 2 or 3 times, quit a few jobs, went to jail once, saw about 30 concerts, had a daughter, gotten a certificate in basic publication design.. more or less in that order.

I live in metro Atlanta, now. Griffin, to be exact. It's the last city before you hit the country when you're driving down I 75 south.

Right now, I'm experiencing postpartum depression. Been going on for a month or two, now. And when I used to be in therapy, they always said it was a good idea to write. So I started writing when I was about 15 or 16. I think it was on a host called "dead journal." Some spin off of Live Journal.

This shit is crazy, man. I remember seeing Brooke Shields go through it and stuff, well, not seeing her...but hearing about it. I really didn't think anything about it. Just though... man, that must suck. And then I think my step-mom was probably suffering from it after my little sister was born.

It's like I am totally apathetic. If it wasn't for my daughter, I probably wouldn't even get out of bed some days. I'm not taking care of myself, not eating right, and I need to starting going to NA meetings again.

I've been pushing people who are closest away from me. I just sit in my house all day with Alexandria and our two dogs. My house is a mess. It's a mental battle just to do a load of laundry and the dishes, make the bed and sweep the house. Sometimes I forget to feed the dogs.

It's spiritual warfare. Constant spiritual warfare. That's the only logical explanation, I feel, to mental illness. Yea you can say brain chemicals and crap.. but it's a war. A daily battle. Good vs. Evil. Listen to me.. sounding crazy over here. But my faith in God is what keeps me going, and nobody can ever take that away from me.

I got a lot of demons hiding in my closet. I pray God will banish them to roam around the desert... or like that one guy.. Jesus cast this guys demons out into a herd of pigs. and the pigs all ran off the cliff and died. And then the guy was okay.

I'll be okay.

~Molly.