The first time I can remember thinking "I'd be better off dead," I was 10 years old. It was a hot August afternoon, and my mom and her new drug addicted husband, Jimmy, left my brother and I home by ourselves for some reason or another. My brother and I had gotten into a fight while they were gone, and I locked my brother out of the house. Our apartment was at ground level, and he was outside pushing a window up and I was pushing it down. He ended up pushing his hands through the glass and I called 911. I was so scared my brother was going to need stitches. I ran upstairs and got a neighbor, and while the ambulance was outside pulling broken glass out of my brothers hands, my mom and Jimmy pulled up.

My brother was okay, and after everything had calmed down and everyone had left, my mother freaked out. She was hysterical. She started yelling at my brother, hitting him while he was cowering on his bed. I shouted to stop, and she came and started hitting me in the head with her fists. She was yelling about the $500 ambulance bill she was going to have to pay.

Jimmy finally got her off of me, and she left. I don't know where she went, but I remember lying on the bed, I couldn't breathe, tears rolled down my cheeks, and I just wanted to die. I started praying for God to get me out of there. It was the first time I remember praying to save my life.

That Christmas, my mom sent us to our dad's for Christmas and we ended up staying to live permanently. I remember being happy for a while...

When I was about 15 I became depressed again, my stepmom died and her daughter was 1. I took on a new big roll at my home.. I cooked and cleaned a lot more and took care of my sister a lot.

Moved out and partied a lot after I was 18. Next big depression battle was after my mother died when I was 19. The last time she and I ever talked I told her she was a drunk and I couldn't stand talking to her when she was drunk. She hung up on me.

I moved to Griffin GA, and continued to be depressed until I was about 21. I got into a really bad relationship, but after I left him, I had never felt happier. I met Daniel shortly after, and have continued to remain stable until about 2 months ago... when Alexandria was 3 months old.

Now I'm going through this postpartum depression shit. I'm not suicidal or anything, but it's really starting to effect my day to day living. The anti-depressant seems to be taking hold, though. I woke up in a good mood today. First time in a couple of months!

My depression bouts, now that I have them written down, seem to follow a pattern where external factors are making me depressed. Major life changing events... you know? Loosing trust in a parent, death, death, birth of a child.... and I read somewhere, I think in The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck, he says depression is healthy because when we are depressed, we are loosing a part of our old selves to grow into our new selves. And we often don't want to let that part go because we are familiar with it, so it's like a grieving process. And that is what causes us to be depressed. So I don't feel too down after seeing that, and knowing that life will always have it's ups and downs.

And more than anything, My faith in Jesus Christ is what will get me through.

~Molly.